I've moved my blog to WordPress. You can find new posts at:
notexactlysusiehomemaker.wordpress.com
Thanks for reading!
Susan
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Finding the Good
Last fall, Adelaide played soccer for the first time. The five-week season seemed like it lasted for an eternity. Twice a week, I would bring Adelaide to the field and encourage her to play. After about five minutes, she'd ask to take a break. During games, Adelaide would pout, stomp her foot and cross her arms when anyone bumped into her or ran faster than her. I'm honestly not sure if she touched the ball during a single game.
On the worst nights, Adelaide would refuse to play and throw a temper tantrum on the sideline. I would beg, plead and serve up consequences. Nothing worked. I started bribing her before each game. "If you practice the whole time and go into the game twice, you'll get Dairy Queen after soccer." Little by little, I was at least able to get her onto the field, and we eventually made it through week five.
At some point last fall, Adelaide asked me why I didn't cheer for her. According to Adelaide, I cheered for Tobias during his games and told him that he did a good job, but I never did the same for Adelaide.
My initial reaction: "Give me something to cheer for!" How do I cheer for someone that doesn't do anything? How do I say "good job" when all Adelaide did was stand on the field while the players ran around her?
When I worked with teenagers at Boys Town in Nebraska, I was expected to have at least four positive interactions for every negative interaction with each kid. If we had to correct an inappropriate behavior, we had to find four other positive behaviors to address. I remember feeling the same way I felt about cheering for Adelaide. I would try to find things to praise, but sometimes it was so difficult!
Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No.
Boys Town asked us to aim for a 4:1 ratio because kids respond to positive feedback. And Adelaide needed the same. I picked up my cheering last fall and I tried really hard to find things to praise. "Nice job staying on the field, Adelaide!" "Good job listening to your coach!"
Spring soccer started last month and I decided to coach Adelaide's team. She has already shown so much improvement. The more I practice praising Adelaide, the easier it is. As a coach, I've discovered that all seven of the little kids crave this same positive attention. They need to hear that they are doing a great job. They need to hear that trying hard is enough.
We had a game last night and Adelaide was upset that she didn't scored a goal. During the game, though, a miracle happened. Adelaide's teammate had the ball and Adelaide ran down the field. She turned back and yelled, "I'm open, pass it to me," and her teammate sent her a long pass.
No, they didn't score. In fact, I'm pretty sure the other team immediately took the ball down to our goal and put it in, but that didn't matter. Adelaide and her teammate had just executed an actual soccer play. I didn't want to let the moment slip away.
I called both girls over to me and got down on my knees. I reminded them of what they'd just done and I told them that it was amazing. Their pass was a thing of beauty and I was SO proud. Adelaide's face lit up and you could see her confidence and self-esteem build in that moment.
Adelaide doesn't always do it perfectly, but neither do I. Sometimes it's hard to find something positive to praise, but it's worth the effort. For now, Adelaide's soccer continues to improve and so does my parenting — one "good job" at a time.
At some point last fall, Adelaide asked me why I didn't cheer for her. According to Adelaide, I cheered for Tobias during his games and told him that he did a good job, but I never did the same for Adelaide.
My initial reaction: "Give me something to cheer for!" How do I cheer for someone that doesn't do anything? How do I say "good job" when all Adelaide did was stand on the field while the players ran around her?
When I worked with teenagers at Boys Town in Nebraska, I was expected to have at least four positive interactions for every negative interaction with each kid. If we had to correct an inappropriate behavior, we had to find four other positive behaviors to address. I remember feeling the same way I felt about cheering for Adelaide. I would try to find things to praise, but sometimes it was so difficult!
Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No.
Boys Town asked us to aim for a 4:1 ratio because kids respond to positive feedback. And Adelaide needed the same. I picked up my cheering last fall and I tried really hard to find things to praise. "Nice job staying on the field, Adelaide!" "Good job listening to your coach!"
Spring soccer started last month and I decided to coach Adelaide's team. She has already shown so much improvement. The more I practice praising Adelaide, the easier it is. As a coach, I've discovered that all seven of the little kids crave this same positive attention. They need to hear that they are doing a great job. They need to hear that trying hard is enough.
We had a game last night and Adelaide was upset that she didn't scored a goal. During the game, though, a miracle happened. Adelaide's teammate had the ball and Adelaide ran down the field. She turned back and yelled, "I'm open, pass it to me," and her teammate sent her a long pass. No, they didn't score. In fact, I'm pretty sure the other team immediately took the ball down to our goal and put it in, but that didn't matter. Adelaide and her teammate had just executed an actual soccer play. I didn't want to let the moment slip away.
I called both girls over to me and got down on my knees. I reminded them of what they'd just done and I told them that it was amazing. Their pass was a thing of beauty and I was SO proud. Adelaide's face lit up and you could see her confidence and self-esteem build in that moment.
Adelaide doesn't always do it perfectly, but neither do I. Sometimes it's hard to find something positive to praise, but it's worth the effort. For now, Adelaide's soccer continues to improve and so does my parenting — one "good job" at a time.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Spilled milk and other such tragedies...
Four spills into dinner, I was about ready to explode. As
the milk started pouring onto the floor, I jumped up to grab some paper towels
and yelled at my daughter. She ran to her room and started crying. Suddenly,
the old saying, “don’t cry over spilled milk,” ran through my head. It’s just
milk. Yes, it was the fourth time that someone had spilled during dinner, but
it’s just milk. I cleaned up the mess and went into my daughter’s room to
apologize for yelling. Thankfully, my four-year-old is pretty forgiving and we
were best friends again by the time we made it back to the dinner table.
Parenting is hard, and I don’t always feel adequate. I tend
to get overly upset about some of the silliest things. Sometimes I think I
spend almost as much time apologizing to my kids as they do to me. The other
day I was having lunch with a woman that I was interviewing for a story. She is
a licensed parent educator. I quickly realized that the notes I was taking were
just as much for me as they were for the story. Towards the end of our lunch, I
started lamenting about where my kids would be as teenagers.
My lunch companion, though, told me to stop that sort of
thinking.
If I use all that I’ve
learned and raise my kids with structure, love, discipline, and faith, I don’t
have to assume the worst.
The other day, I was helping out in my son’s first grade
Sunday School class. I watched in horror as one of the kids talked back to the
teacher and disrupted the lesson. The
child was quick to say, “Why do I have to listen to you?” after every prompt
and request. (On a more funny note…he also told us that the Bible verse was
saying that 9000 boys were supposed to kiss girls.) During the entire hour, I
watched my son listen quietly, raise his hand to answer questions, and follow
instructions. I was SO proud.
I may not be doing everything right, but I must have my
moments. So far, I haven’t completely screwed up my kids. With fingers crossed and constant prayer, I continue to fumble through parenthood. My kids might not always make it easy, but they definitely deserve my best efforts.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Coming Home
Six months ago, I moved home. Home to the city where I grew up and lived my entire non-adult life. I live down the block from my high school friend's parents, bought a season pass to the pool where I spent all my pre-teen summers, and I find myself cheering (once again) for the Spartans. I am home.
I never thought that I would move back. In fact, at one time, I couldn't get far enough away from my hometown. I moved to New York and then Los Angeles after college. I tried to separate myself from my teenage years. Let's just say that they weren't my best. I've kept in touch with a few of my closest friends, but I've been content to leave most of the past in the past.
Recently, though, I've been feeling nostalgic. I got out my yearbook the other night and took a trip down memory lane. In those pages, I was reminded of some of the more meaningful and hysterical moments of my four years in high school. It wasn't all bad. I may not be the same person that I was in high school--thank goodness--but that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the fun that we had.
To be totally honest, I just finished re-watching all six seasons of Dawson's Creek. I blame Joey and Pacey for most of my warm and fuzzy feelings. All of this reminiscing has reminded me, though, that high school was just a starting point.
In high school, I was not even close to being the best version of myself. Part of the problem was the fact that "grunge" was in. Then there was my hair, for which there was absolutely no excuse. Beyond the physical, though, I was an unsure and self-conscious girl that lacked self-respect. I didn't know what I believed or who I believed in.
Over the years, I've gotten better (I think). I finally did something with the horrible mushroom cut on top of my head, I stopped wearing overalls, and I've even been known to work-out every now and then. The biggest changes, though, have been on the inside. Cheesy as it sounds, it's true. Somehow, somewhere, I developed self-confidence. I stopped hiding my intelligence and started embracing my gifts. I learned to respect myself.
Most importantly, though, I figured out who I believed in. That one relationship has been the catalyst for so many of the other positive changes in my life. Jesus has been good to me. He probably would've been just as good in high school, but some of us have to go on a bit of a journey before we finally settle down.
I would never want to go back to high school, but I've decided that it is okay to fondly remember those four years. We all have to start somewhere. My hope, now that I've returned home and am reminded of what I used to be like, is that I will continue to be a better version of myself year after year.
I never thought that I would move back. In fact, at one time, I couldn't get far enough away from my hometown. I moved to New York and then Los Angeles after college. I tried to separate myself from my teenage years. Let's just say that they weren't my best. I've kept in touch with a few of my closest friends, but I've been content to leave most of the past in the past.
Recently, though, I've been feeling nostalgic. I got out my yearbook the other night and took a trip down memory lane. In those pages, I was reminded of some of the more meaningful and hysterical moments of my four years in high school. It wasn't all bad. I may not be the same person that I was in high school--thank goodness--but that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the fun that we had.
To be totally honest, I just finished re-watching all six seasons of Dawson's Creek. I blame Joey and Pacey for most of my warm and fuzzy feelings. All of this reminiscing has reminded me, though, that high school was just a starting point.
In high school, I was not even close to being the best version of myself. Part of the problem was the fact that "grunge" was in. Then there was my hair, for which there was absolutely no excuse. Beyond the physical, though, I was an unsure and self-conscious girl that lacked self-respect. I didn't know what I believed or who I believed in.
Over the years, I've gotten better (I think). I finally did something with the horrible mushroom cut on top of my head, I stopped wearing overalls, and I've even been known to work-out every now and then. The biggest changes, though, have been on the inside. Cheesy as it sounds, it's true. Somehow, somewhere, I developed self-confidence. I stopped hiding my intelligence and started embracing my gifts. I learned to respect myself.
Most importantly, though, I figured out who I believed in. That one relationship has been the catalyst for so many of the other positive changes in my life. Jesus has been good to me. He probably would've been just as good in high school, but some of us have to go on a bit of a journey before we finally settle down.
I would never want to go back to high school, but I've decided that it is okay to fondly remember those four years. We all have to start somewhere. My hope, now that I've returned home and am reminded of what I used to be like, is that I will continue to be a better version of myself year after year.
Susan (circa 1995)
Me today!
Monday, February 6, 2012
How did I get here...again?
I recently read (in a very reliable tabloid) that celebrities are finally admitting how much work they have to do to stay in shape. One actress said that she hates running and would never do it again if she had the choice. For years, many celebrities have made it seem like doing yoga and taking the dogs for a walk were all they needed to do to stay a size 2. It turns out that most of them spend a few hours, six days a week, working out. Shocking? Not really. We already knew it, but it is refreshing to hear them admit it.
Two and a half months ago, I was doing great. I'd finally gotten into a workout rhythm. Weights 2x week and cardio 2x week. I felt stronger and my pants were looser. After a number of weeks of gaining weight or plateauing (I think due to building muscle), I finally started to lose weight. Most importantly, my eating habits were great. All-in-all, I was feeling good as I rounded the corner to Thanksgiving. I was feeling so good, in fact, that I didn't think a few minor (haha) changes would set me back.
On Thanksgiving day, we moved across the country and into my parents' basement. The next week, my husband and I each started new jobs and Tobias started in a new school. I was no longer a stay-at-home mom with Adelaide. A few weeks later, we bought a new house and moved our stuff, once again, on New Year's Eve. Oh, did I mention that I also had two grad school classes to finish up in December? Two 20-page papers later, I was done.
What happened may not shock you at all, but I was a little surprised. My workout routine and eating success completely unraveled. Two months later, I have almost nothing to show for my hard work this fall. I keep stepping on the scale to see how much weight I've gained, but the numbers have barely changed. This seems almost worse than gaining weight because I know that I'm just turning all of my muscle into fat. My muscle...that took months to build...reduced to fat. It is so disappointing.
I've also rediscovered junk food that has been taboo in my life for years. Cake, cookies, candy--I've indulged in them all! The other day I found myself finishing off a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies. They aren't even GOOD chocolate chip cookies! What was I thinking?
This evening, I started to wallow in a little bit of self-pity. I am not this person. I am not the person that eats a bag of crappy cookies and sits on the couch. I'm an athlete. I eat healthy food that gives me energy and strength. I have strong willpower and determination. I started searching for triathlons to do this summer and I strengthened my resolve.
Tonight, I resisted the M&Ms and grabbed an apple as I watched "The Biggest Loser." Tomorrow morning, I'm heading to the gym. My first triathlon is just four months away and I'm determined to be ready. It took just eight weeks to get back out-of-shape, but the return will take longer. Perhaps this will be the time that it sticks.
Two and a half months ago, I was doing great. I'd finally gotten into a workout rhythm. Weights 2x week and cardio 2x week. I felt stronger and my pants were looser. After a number of weeks of gaining weight or plateauing (I think due to building muscle), I finally started to lose weight. Most importantly, my eating habits were great. All-in-all, I was feeling good as I rounded the corner to Thanksgiving. I was feeling so good, in fact, that I didn't think a few minor (haha) changes would set me back.
On Thanksgiving day, we moved across the country and into my parents' basement. The next week, my husband and I each started new jobs and Tobias started in a new school. I was no longer a stay-at-home mom with Adelaide. A few weeks later, we bought a new house and moved our stuff, once again, on New Year's Eve. Oh, did I mention that I also had two grad school classes to finish up in December? Two 20-page papers later, I was done.
What happened may not shock you at all, but I was a little surprised. My workout routine and eating success completely unraveled. Two months later, I have almost nothing to show for my hard work this fall. I keep stepping on the scale to see how much weight I've gained, but the numbers have barely changed. This seems almost worse than gaining weight because I know that I'm just turning all of my muscle into fat. My muscle...that took months to build...reduced to fat. It is so disappointing.
I've also rediscovered junk food that has been taboo in my life for years. Cake, cookies, candy--I've indulged in them all! The other day I found myself finishing off a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies. They aren't even GOOD chocolate chip cookies! What was I thinking?
This evening, I started to wallow in a little bit of self-pity. I am not this person. I am not the person that eats a bag of crappy cookies and sits on the couch. I'm an athlete. I eat healthy food that gives me energy and strength. I have strong willpower and determination. I started searching for triathlons to do this summer and I strengthened my resolve.
Tonight, I resisted the M&Ms and grabbed an apple as I watched "The Biggest Loser." Tomorrow morning, I'm heading to the gym. My first triathlon is just four months away and I'm determined to be ready. It took just eight weeks to get back out-of-shape, but the return will take longer. Perhaps this will be the time that it sticks.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I used to be a straight-A student, but now I'm failing kindergarten.
Confession...in the past four weeks, Tobias has failed 3 out of 4 spelling tests.
Confession...last week Tobias was chosen to be "Star-of-the-Week." His teacher had to call me on Monday to remind me and ask me to help him finish his poster for the classroom.
Confession...I brought Krispy Kreme donuts to school for Tobias' birthday, which almost was a huge no-no because of the boy in his class with a severe peanut allergy.
We've had a rough start to the school year. Tobias' days used to be filled with Legos, bike rides and playing with friends. Not anymore! Today, his days are filled with school, sports and studying (if I remember). Tobias gets home from school at 4:15. On Mondays, he has swimming lessons. On Wednesdays, he goes to Awana at church. (Did I mention that he has homework for Awana, too? Yeah, that's not happening either.) On Thursdays, he has Spanish after school and then soccer practice in the evening. Soccer games are on Saturday mornings. Tobias hasn't seen his best friend (who lives two houses away) in over a week!
Our busy schedule is just part of the problem. The bigger issue is homework. Tobias has homework for school, homework for his after-school Spanish class, homework for Awana, and homework (memory verses) for Sunday School. That's a lot of homework for a 6-year-old. Frankly, he's a smart kid and can probably handle it. I, on-the-other-hand, can't--or at least I haven't been able to--handle it so far.
Tobias got 100% on the one spelling test I actually helped him study for. It didn't take long--about 10 to 15 minutes a night for two nights. He's a smart kid and picks up things pretty easily, so I just have to make sure I am spending time with him every night on his homework. That's easier said than done in my current job, but I'm trying to figure out how to balance all the kids.
I was determined Tobias would be ready for his spelling test this week. We studied for ten minutes on Tuesday evening, but my plan was to cram on Thursday. His teacher decided to give them the test early (on Thursday) since they were going on a field trip on Friday. He got only 2 right. There is always next week, right?
Confession...last week Tobias was chosen to be "Star-of-the-Week." His teacher had to call me on Monday to remind me and ask me to help him finish his poster for the classroom.
Confession...I brought Krispy Kreme donuts to school for Tobias' birthday, which almost was a huge no-no because of the boy in his class with a severe peanut allergy.
We've had a rough start to the school year. Tobias' days used to be filled with Legos, bike rides and playing with friends. Not anymore! Today, his days are filled with school, sports and studying (if I remember). Tobias gets home from school at 4:15. On Mondays, he has swimming lessons. On Wednesdays, he goes to Awana at church. (Did I mention that he has homework for Awana, too? Yeah, that's not happening either.) On Thursdays, he has Spanish after school and then soccer practice in the evening. Soccer games are on Saturday mornings. Tobias hasn't seen his best friend (who lives two houses away) in over a week!
Our busy schedule is just part of the problem. The bigger issue is homework. Tobias has homework for school, homework for his after-school Spanish class, homework for Awana, and homework (memory verses) for Sunday School. That's a lot of homework for a 6-year-old. Frankly, he's a smart kid and can probably handle it. I, on-the-other-hand, can't--or at least I haven't been able to--handle it so far.
Tobias got 100% on the one spelling test I actually helped him study for. It didn't take long--about 10 to 15 minutes a night for two nights. He's a smart kid and picks up things pretty easily, so I just have to make sure I am spending time with him every night on his homework. That's easier said than done in my current job, but I'm trying to figure out how to balance all the kids.
I was determined Tobias would be ready for his spelling test this week. We studied for ten minutes on Tuesday evening, but my plan was to cram on Thursday. His teacher decided to give them the test early (on Thursday) since they were going on a field trip on Friday. He got only 2 right. There is always next week, right?
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Like the Backstreet Boys, I'm back and better than ever!
I have lots of excuses. Would you like to hear them?
1) I've had a pretty bad cold for a couple weeks now.
2) My knee cap has been popping in and out of place. Two weeks ago at the gym it dislocated for a number of seconds and I fell to the ground. My knee was super sore for a couple days.
3) School is keeping me busy--tons of homework and not enough time.
4) Kevin was out of town last weekend and I was a single parent for four days.
5) Bad news about the unexpected death of a friend.
6) Despite my commitment to working out and eating right, the weight on the scale continued to creep up day-after-day.
About two weeks ago, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was sick, tired and sad. Although I'd been following "the plan," I had gained four pounds. Remember the 10 pounds of baby weight I was trying to lose? It was now 12. I don't know enough about weight training to know if this is expected, so I was concerned. I found comfort in Pretzel M&Ms. Obviously, in retrospect, this was not the best way to handle what was happening, but I don't always handle stress well.
After a couple days of Pretzel M&Ms, I realized I had a problem when I moved onto the bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms. Higher if fat and calories, the Peanut Butter M&Ms were my rock bottom. Halfway through the bag, I knew that I needed to get back on the wagon. The best part of living with eight teenage boys is their ability to make junk food disappear. I put the Peanut Butter M&Ms in a dish on the table after school and they were devoured within minutes.
I also decided to seek some help...from a personal trainer at the gym. I have to be able to gain muscle and lose weight at the same time. They do it all the time on the Biggest Loser! Stacy, at Prairie Life, was more than willing to help me reach my goals. I'm going to meet with her and take her group weightlifting class for the next couple months. I feel better about our plan and I'm looking forward to learning a lot over the next eight weeks.
Oh, and of course, all that concern was for nothing. The four pounds I thought I'd gained mysteriously disappeared the next week. Tobias' birthday is in just three weeks and I'm still eight pounds away from my goal. It's not going to happen, but I think I'm on the right path. We all have excuses, but I'm tired of using them. Are YOU ready to buck up?
1) I've had a pretty bad cold for a couple weeks now.
2) My knee cap has been popping in and out of place. Two weeks ago at the gym it dislocated for a number of seconds and I fell to the ground. My knee was super sore for a couple days.
3) School is keeping me busy--tons of homework and not enough time.
4) Kevin was out of town last weekend and I was a single parent for four days.
5) Bad news about the unexpected death of a friend.
6) Despite my commitment to working out and eating right, the weight on the scale continued to creep up day-after-day.
About two weeks ago, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was sick, tired and sad. Although I'd been following "the plan," I had gained four pounds. Remember the 10 pounds of baby weight I was trying to lose? It was now 12. I don't know enough about weight training to know if this is expected, so I was concerned. I found comfort in Pretzel M&Ms. Obviously, in retrospect, this was not the best way to handle what was happening, but I don't always handle stress well.
After a couple days of Pretzel M&Ms, I realized I had a problem when I moved onto the bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms. Higher if fat and calories, the Peanut Butter M&Ms were my rock bottom. Halfway through the bag, I knew that I needed to get back on the wagon. The best part of living with eight teenage boys is their ability to make junk food disappear. I put the Peanut Butter M&Ms in a dish on the table after school and they were devoured within minutes.
I also decided to seek some help...from a personal trainer at the gym. I have to be able to gain muscle and lose weight at the same time. They do it all the time on the Biggest Loser! Stacy, at Prairie Life, was more than willing to help me reach my goals. I'm going to meet with her and take her group weightlifting class for the next couple months. I feel better about our plan and I'm looking forward to learning a lot over the next eight weeks.
Oh, and of course, all that concern was for nothing. The four pounds I thought I'd gained mysteriously disappeared the next week. Tobias' birthday is in just three weeks and I'm still eight pounds away from my goal. It's not going to happen, but I think I'm on the right path. We all have excuses, but I'm tired of using them. Are YOU ready to buck up?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)