Coming Home

Six months ago, I moved home.  Home to the city where I grew up and lived my entire non-adult life.  I live down the block from my high school friend's parents, bought a season pass to the pool where I spent all my pre-teen summers, and I find myself cheering (once again) for the Spartans.  I am home.

I never thought that I would move back.  In fact, at one time, I couldn't get far enough away from my hometown.  I moved to New York and then Los Angeles after college.  I tried to separate myself from my teenage years.  Let's just say that they weren't my best.  I've kept in touch with a few of my closest friends, but I've been content to leave most of the past in the past.

Recently, though, I've been feeling nostalgic.  I got out my yearbook the other night and took a trip down memory lane.  In those pages, I was reminded of some of the more meaningful and hysterical moments of my four years in high school.  It wasn't all bad.  I may not be the same person that I was in high school--thank goodness--but that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the fun that we had.

To be totally honest, I just finished re-watching all six seasons of Dawson's Creek.  I blame Joey and Pacey for most of my warm and fuzzy feelings.  All of this reminiscing has reminded me, though, that high school was just a starting point.

In high school, I was not even close to being the best version of myself.  Part of the problem was the fact that "grunge" was in.  Then there was my hair, for which there was absolutely no excuse.  Beyond the physical, though, I was an unsure and self-conscious girl that lacked self-respect.  I didn't know what I believed or who I believed in. 

Over the years, I've gotten better (I think).  I finally did something with the horrible mushroom cut on top of my head, I stopped wearing overalls, and I've even been known to work-out every now and then.  The biggest changes, though, have been on the inside.  Cheesy as it sounds, it's true.  Somehow, somewhere, I developed self-confidence.  I stopped hiding my intelligence and started embracing my gifts.  I learned to respect myself. 

Most importantly, though, I figured out who I believed in.  That one relationship has been the catalyst for so many of the other positive changes in my life.  Jesus has been good to me.  He probably would've been just as good in high school, but some of us have to go on a bit of a journey before we finally settle down.    

I would never want to go back to high school, but I've decided that it is okay to fondly remember those four years.  We all have to start somewhere.  My hope, now that I've returned home and am reminded of what I used to be like, is that I will continue to be a better version of myself year after year. 

Susan (circa 1995)



Me today!

How did I get here...again?

I recently read (in a very reliable tabloid) that celebrities are finally admitting how much work they have to do to stay in shape.  One actress said that she hates running and would never do it again if she had the choice.  For years, many celebrities have made it seem like doing yoga and taking the dogs for a walk were all they needed to do to stay a size 2.  It turns out that most of them spend a few hours, six days a week, working out.  Shocking?  Not really.  We already knew it, but it is refreshing to hear them admit it.

Two and a half months ago, I was doing great.  I'd finally gotten into a workout rhythm.  Weights 2x week and cardio 2x week.  I felt stronger and my pants were looser.  After a number of weeks of gaining weight or plateauing (I think due to building muscle), I finally started to lose weight.  Most importantly, my eating habits were great.  All-in-all, I was feeling good as I rounded the corner to Thanksgiving.  I was feeling so good, in fact, that I didn't think a few minor (haha) changes would set me back.

On Thanksgiving day, we moved across the country and into my parents' basement.  The next week, my husband and I each started new jobs and Tobias started in a new school.  I was no longer a stay-at-home mom with Adelaide.  A few weeks later, we bought a new house and moved our stuff, once again, on New Year's Eve.  Oh, did I mention that I also had two grad school classes to finish up in December?  Two 20-page papers later, I was done.

What happened may not shock you at all, but I was a little surprised.  My workout routine and eating success completely unraveled.  Two months later, I have almost nothing to show for my hard work this fall.  I keep stepping on the scale to see how much weight I've gained, but the numbers have barely changed.  This seems almost worse than gaining weight because I know that I'm just turning all of my muscle into fat.  My muscle...that took months to build...reduced to fat.  It is so disappointing.

I've also rediscovered junk food that has been taboo in my life for years.  Cake, cookies, candy--I've indulged in them all!  The other day I found myself finishing off a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies.  They aren't even GOOD chocolate chip cookies!  What was I thinking?

This evening, I started to wallow in a little bit of self-pity.  I am not this person.  I am not the person that eats a bag of crappy cookies and sits on the couch.  I'm an athlete.  I eat healthy food that gives me energy and strength.  I have strong willpower and determination.  I started searching for triathlons to do this summer and I strengthened my resolve.

Tonight, I resisted the M&Ms and grabbed an apple as I watched "The Biggest Loser."  Tomorrow morning, I'm heading to the gym.  My first triathlon is just four months away and I'm determined to be ready.  It took just eight weeks to get back out-of-shape, but the return will take longer.  Perhaps this will be the time that it sticks. 

I used to be a straight-A student, but now I'm failing kindergarten.

Confession...in the past four weeks, Tobias has failed 3 out of 4 spelling tests.

Confession...last week Tobias was chosen to be "Star-of-the-Week."  His teacher had to call me on Monday to remind me and ask me to help him finish his poster for the classroom.

Confession...I brought Krispy Kreme donuts to school for Tobias' birthday, which almost was a huge no-no because of the boy in his class with a severe peanut allergy.

We've had a rough start to the school year.  Tobias' days used to be filled with Legos, bike rides and playing with friends.  Not anymore!  Today, his days are filled with school, sports and studying (if I remember).  Tobias gets home from school at 4:15.  On Mondays, he has swimming lessons.  On Wednesdays, he goes to Awana at church.  (Did I mention that he has homework for Awana, too?  Yeah, that's not happening either.)  On Thursdays, he has Spanish after school and then soccer practice in the evening.  Soccer games are on Saturday mornings.  Tobias hasn't seen his best friend (who lives two houses away) in over a week!

Our busy schedule is just part of the problem.  The bigger issue is homework.  Tobias has homework for school, homework for his after-school Spanish class, homework for Awana, and homework (memory verses) for Sunday School.  That's a lot of homework for a 6-year-old.  Frankly, he's a smart kid and can probably handle it.  I, on-the-other-hand, can't--or at least I haven't been able to--handle it so far.

Tobias got 100% on the one spelling test I actually helped him study for.  It didn't take long--about 10 to 15 minutes a night for two nights.  He's a smart kid and picks up things pretty easily, so I just have to make sure I am spending time with him every night on his homework.  That's easier said than done in my current job, but I'm trying to figure out how to balance all the kids.

I was determined Tobias would be ready for his spelling test this week.  We studied for ten minutes on Tuesday evening, but my plan was to cram on Thursday.  His teacher decided to give them the test early (on Thursday) since they were going on a field trip on Friday.  He got only 2 right.  There is always next week, right? 

 

Like the Backstreet Boys, I'm back and better than ever!

I have lots of excuses.  Would you like to hear them?
1) I've had a pretty bad cold for a couple weeks now.
2) My knee cap has been popping in and out of place.  Two weeks ago at the gym it dislocated for a number of seconds and I fell to the ground.  My knee was super sore for a couple days.
3) School is keeping me busy--tons of homework and not enough time.
4) Kevin was out of town last weekend and I was a single parent for four days.
5) Bad news about the unexpected death of a friend.
6) Despite my commitment to working out and eating right, the weight on the scale continued to creep up day-after-day.

About two weeks ago, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  I was sick, tired and sad.  Although I'd been following "the plan," I had gained four pounds.  Remember the 10 pounds of baby weight I was trying to lose?  It was now 12.  I don't know enough about weight training to know if this is expected, so I was concerned.  I found comfort in Pretzel M&Ms.  Obviously, in retrospect, this was not the best way to handle what was happening, but I don't always handle stress well.

After a couple days of Pretzel M&Ms, I realized I had a problem when I moved onto the bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms.  Higher if fat and calories, the Peanut Butter M&Ms were my rock bottom.  Halfway through the bag, I knew that I needed to get back on the wagon.  The best part of living with eight teenage boys is their ability to make junk food disappear.  I put the Peanut Butter M&Ms in a dish on the table after school and they were devoured within minutes.

I also decided to seek some help...from a personal trainer at the gym.   I have to be able to gain muscle and lose weight at the same time.  They do it all the time on the Biggest Loser!  Stacy, at Prairie Life, was more than willing to help me reach my goals.  I'm going to meet with her and take her group weightlifting class for the next couple months.  I feel better about our plan and I'm looking forward to learning a lot over the next eight weeks.

Oh, and of course, all that concern was for nothing.  The four pounds I thought I'd gained mysteriously disappeared the next week.  Tobias' birthday is in just three weeks and I'm still eight pounds away from my goal.  It's not going to happen, but I think I'm on the right path.  We all have excuses, but I'm tired of using them.  Are YOU ready to buck up? 

Measuring Success with a New Ruler

I was torn this week. Torn because I really didn't want to blog about my results this week, but I wanted to be open and honest about my struggles. So, the big bummer is that I actually gained a pound this week. I have no idea how or why, but that's what the scale said this morning--and apparently scales don't lie. I ate pretty well this week--staying well within my WW "points"--but I probably could have made some healthier choices. I also had a great week at the gym. Two days of weightlifting and two days of cardio. I'm sure there is a good reason why the scale was tipped this week, but Bob and Jillian aren't here to help me figure it out. I've decided to not make any changes and continue what I'm doing for a couple more weeks. Maybe all of this will balance out.

My bigger issue is trying to stay positive. How do you celebrate success when you are unsuccessful? If losing weight is my only measuring stick, then I may be disappointed often. Instead, I can decide to celebrate the fact that I started a weightlifting program and I ran for 18 minutes instead of 15. Isn't that the way it is with many things in life? Yes, we all have goals, but sometimes it is unrealistic to wait until we reach the finish line to start celebrating.

For example...Adelaide is potty-training and she is definitely charting a new course. She is awesome at staying dry. She even gets up in the middle of the night to go potty and is still dry in the morning. She has it mastered...until you get to the dreaded #2. The girl refuses to go poopy on the toilet. We've tried a chart, we've tried prizes, we've tried keeping her naked all day. Nothing works. She just waits until you finally put underwear back on her, hides in her room while you are busy, and does her business in her undies. We are all getting pretty frustrated and it seems like we will never be "successful." This morning, though, she tried something new. She'd been running around naked all morning and I was hoping she'd eventually have to go. I was in the office for a little while when Adelaide came in and told me her pull-up was dirty. The girl had crawled up onto her dresser, found a pull-up and put it on so she could do her thing. No, this is not where we eventually want to be, but I was actually quite proud of her. I didn't have to wash any underwear and she had solved the problem for herself. Instead of getting upset, I praised her for being so resourceful.

So, I'm going to do the same this week. I didn't #2 on the toilet, but I did make some really positive choices for my health. I committed to working out and I followed through. I didn't always make the BEST choices with my diet, but I didn't give up or give in. This week was a success--perhaps not on the scale, but in a much larger sense.

The Strategy

Week one was a success. I managed to lose two pounds. That might sound impressive, but don't be fooled. These two pounds have come and gone more than a few times over the last year. Still, though, I'm proud. Mostly, I'm proud that I made some really positive changes this week. First and foremost, I started eating better. Ever since I went on vacation this summer, my eating habits have been pretty crappy. I used to eat quite healthy, but lately I found myself eating Reese's Miniature PB Cups by the bagful.

I have been a connoisseur of diets for most of my adult life. Truth be told, in the beginning, my "diets" more closely resembled an eating disorder, but we'll save that for the made-for-TV movie. My friend and I once tried Body for Life. We had great success with the exercise/weightlifting portion of the diet, but not as much with the eating plan. Around this same time, I also tried the South Beach Diet. I didn't lose any weight--most likely because I ate my weight in peanut butter every day. My only success has really been with Weight Watchers. I used their plan when I experienced the "first-wed forty." That's much like the freshman fifteen, but more serious. I went back to Weight Watchers when I had Tobias and was able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight just in time to get pregnant again.

This week, I went back to the Weight Watchers plan. I kept track of what I was eating and limited myself to the allotted points. I think I eat about 1500-1800 calories/day on the Weight Watchers plan, but I'm not really positive. It wasn't hard--I just had to cut out the candy, cookies and sweets. I'm a sweets kind of girl. Go chocolate, or go home! Instead of the high calorie, high fat sweets, I opted for Skinny Cow Candy Bars and Fiber One Brownies. No, they aren't as good as the real ones, but they do the job.

My second big move was to join (or rejoin) a gym. We dropped our membership this winter when I had surgery and we were planning to move. It has been almost nine months since my knee surgery. Time to get back on the horse. I went running three times and met with a trainer for my "jump start" free-training session. The running was brutal, but I've learned not to expect too much. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I only ran 15 minutes each time, but you've got to start somewhere. My training session was awesome. I have never a very good weightlifter, but it is one thing I've thought a lot about doing. I would really like to be more toned, and that isn't going to happen by just losing another ten pounds. The trainer worked me hard. I felt like I was on the Biggest Loser. Since I couldn't walk the next day or sit down on the toilet, I think it is safe to say that I had a good workout.

I'm off to a good start and I hope my motivation sticks around for awhile. Eight pounds to go and just six weeks until Tobias' sixth birthday. Thanks for all your support!

Losing the baby weight

As moms, I think we are entitled to use the kind term "baby weight" to refer to the last 10-15 pounds we still need to lose.  Even if our youngest is graduating from high school.  We've earned that right, but "baby weight" or fat, I'd still rather let it go.

The reality is that our bodies will never be the same.  Even if we lose all the weight, things have...well...shifted.  Add to that the number that breastfeeding does on your figure and you're hardly recognizable.  Still, though, we're all hoping to get back to what we once were.  I look at women like Jennifer Aniston and Demi Moore and I think that maybe I, too, will peak late in life.

Where am I now?  Well, about 10 pounds shy of where I would like to be.  Luckily, my youngest is nowhere near college-age, but I'd still rather deal with this issue now.  This summer has been rough.  Vacations, busy schedules, and ice cream have halted any forward progress I'd been making.  My hope is that telling you about my goal will inspire me to be more diligent.  The challenge?  10 pounds before Tobias turns 6 (October 5th).  The prize?   A shopping spree (feel free to contribute).  The risk?  My pride.  How will I do it?  Check back to find out what is working and what obstacles I face.