Coming Home

Six months ago, I moved home.  Home to the city where I grew up and lived my entire non-adult life.  I live down the block from my high school friend's parents, bought a season pass to the pool where I spent all my pre-teen summers, and I find myself cheering (once again) for the Spartans.  I am home.

I never thought that I would move back.  In fact, at one time, I couldn't get far enough away from my hometown.  I moved to New York and then Los Angeles after college.  I tried to separate myself from my teenage years.  Let's just say that they weren't my best.  I've kept in touch with a few of my closest friends, but I've been content to leave most of the past in the past.

Recently, though, I've been feeling nostalgic.  I got out my yearbook the other night and took a trip down memory lane.  In those pages, I was reminded of some of the more meaningful and hysterical moments of my four years in high school.  It wasn't all bad.  I may not be the same person that I was in high school--thank goodness--but that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the fun that we had.

To be totally honest, I just finished re-watching all six seasons of Dawson's Creek.  I blame Joey and Pacey for most of my warm and fuzzy feelings.  All of this reminiscing has reminded me, though, that high school was just a starting point.

In high school, I was not even close to being the best version of myself.  Part of the problem was the fact that "grunge" was in.  Then there was my hair, for which there was absolutely no excuse.  Beyond the physical, though, I was an unsure and self-conscious girl that lacked self-respect.  I didn't know what I believed or who I believed in. 

Over the years, I've gotten better (I think).  I finally did something with the horrible mushroom cut on top of my head, I stopped wearing overalls, and I've even been known to work-out every now and then.  The biggest changes, though, have been on the inside.  Cheesy as it sounds, it's true.  Somehow, somewhere, I developed self-confidence.  I stopped hiding my intelligence and started embracing my gifts.  I learned to respect myself. 

Most importantly, though, I figured out who I believed in.  That one relationship has been the catalyst for so many of the other positive changes in my life.  Jesus has been good to me.  He probably would've been just as good in high school, but some of us have to go on a bit of a journey before we finally settle down.    

I would never want to go back to high school, but I've decided that it is okay to fondly remember those four years.  We all have to start somewhere.  My hope, now that I've returned home and am reminded of what I used to be like, is that I will continue to be a better version of myself year after year. 

Susan (circa 1995)



Me today!

How did I get here...again?

I recently read (in a very reliable tabloid) that celebrities are finally admitting how much work they have to do to stay in shape.  One actress said that she hates running and would never do it again if she had the choice.  For years, many celebrities have made it seem like doing yoga and taking the dogs for a walk were all they needed to do to stay a size 2.  It turns out that most of them spend a few hours, six days a week, working out.  Shocking?  Not really.  We already knew it, but it is refreshing to hear them admit it.

Two and a half months ago, I was doing great.  I'd finally gotten into a workout rhythm.  Weights 2x week and cardio 2x week.  I felt stronger and my pants were looser.  After a number of weeks of gaining weight or plateauing (I think due to building muscle), I finally started to lose weight.  Most importantly, my eating habits were great.  All-in-all, I was feeling good as I rounded the corner to Thanksgiving.  I was feeling so good, in fact, that I didn't think a few minor (haha) changes would set me back.

On Thanksgiving day, we moved across the country and into my parents' basement.  The next week, my husband and I each started new jobs and Tobias started in a new school.  I was no longer a stay-at-home mom with Adelaide.  A few weeks later, we bought a new house and moved our stuff, once again, on New Year's Eve.  Oh, did I mention that I also had two grad school classes to finish up in December?  Two 20-page papers later, I was done.

What happened may not shock you at all, but I was a little surprised.  My workout routine and eating success completely unraveled.  Two months later, I have almost nothing to show for my hard work this fall.  I keep stepping on the scale to see how much weight I've gained, but the numbers have barely changed.  This seems almost worse than gaining weight because I know that I'm just turning all of my muscle into fat.  My muscle...that took months to build...reduced to fat.  It is so disappointing.

I've also rediscovered junk food that has been taboo in my life for years.  Cake, cookies, candy--I've indulged in them all!  The other day I found myself finishing off a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies.  They aren't even GOOD chocolate chip cookies!  What was I thinking?

This evening, I started to wallow in a little bit of self-pity.  I am not this person.  I am not the person that eats a bag of crappy cookies and sits on the couch.  I'm an athlete.  I eat healthy food that gives me energy and strength.  I have strong willpower and determination.  I started searching for triathlons to do this summer and I strengthened my resolve.

Tonight, I resisted the M&Ms and grabbed an apple as I watched "The Biggest Loser."  Tomorrow morning, I'm heading to the gym.  My first triathlon is just four months away and I'm determined to be ready.  It took just eight weeks to get back out-of-shape, but the return will take longer.  Perhaps this will be the time that it sticks.